Article for 2013 Feb 02
Part of the “Cusp” series.
2013
2013 Feb
Feb 02 Sat
The drama-group I volunteer at (see the first paragraph of 2012 Sep 22’s article) had a rehearsal today, and, as my sisters are members of the group, Mum asked me to walk with them to the venue. My sisters are thirteen and fifteen years of age. Old enough to be married in many countries (e.g. Ancient Rome). But somehow Mum asked me to ensure they were alright, in an insult to their intelligence and an imposition upon me.
I didn’t point that out when I returned unaccompanied.
There are two words that I want to abandon despite being told to keep with me. Chemical Engineering. What’s my favourite subject? Which subject am I predicted the best grades for? What do I want to do when I don’t want to do homework, research universities, or write for a blog? Ain’t Chemistry.
I realise now what I’ve known since September. I only planned a career in Chemistry due to a vague interest in the subject, my strong GCSE grades in science, and the prospect of earning a tonne of money. I realise now that this is like wanting to be a teacher for the holidays, or a banker for the bonuses, or a footballer for the wives. It won’t work; I won’t work for that sort of motive. I’ve been led into a marriage of convenience with Chemistry, and I demand divorce.
I’ve been so caught up with thinking about the future that I’ve neglected the present. The present. The gift. Of being skilled at Latin, and skilled at writing in general. I have long made decisions based on the assumption that sciences are more “for me” than humanities, as if numeracy was more “for me” than literacy. It continues to amaze me how long it took for me to profess that this isn’t so. It continues to amaze me how long I’ve been my own alter ego, with my analysis-based subjects (Chemistry, Physics, Maths) and my creativity-based hobbies (Drama, Photography, Blogging). And I realise now that I cannot continue to be a jack of all trades if I want to master one. Just as bigamy weakens a marriage, leading two lives simultaneously does not lead to the fulfillment of either. So YOLO: you only live once; your life cannot be double. And I love to live my life with Latin.