Article for 2012 Mar 29
Part of the “Exams and the Titanic” series.
2012
2012 Mar
Mar 29 Thu 
Having survived Jan 24’s apocalypse, I wanted to do some more surviving. Thus I became part of a play about the Titanic. I’ve had some odd responses to this.
| One of my mates: | Hey Duncan, |
| Duncan: | Yeah? |
| Mate: | I’ve a load of maths homework to do in the library after school. Coming? |
| Duncan: | As appealing as that sounds, I’ve got a performance at seven. |
| Mate: | What you watching? |
| Duncan: | The sinking of the greatest ship of the time. Quite tragic, really. |
| Mate: | What ship’s this? |
| Duncan: | Titanic. I have to cry at the end. |
| Mate: | Cry? Why? |
| Duncan: | I have a sad monologue. I’m reading out a letter to my family. |
| Mate: | I thought you said you were watching? |
| Duncan: | When I’m in the life-boat I’ll be watching, when I’m not rowing the boat to safety. |
| Mate: | But you can’t row. Anyway, what part are you playing? |
| Duncan: | Look-out. |
| Mate: | [glances behind him] Why? What’s there? |
| Duncan: | Oh, please. Your acting’s worse than mine. |
| Mate: | Bah, your writing’s worse. There’s no way this conversation would actually happen in real life. |
| Another mate: | So, how’s it doing? |
| First mate: | All right. Duncan’s been telling me about his new play. |
| Second mate: | Not the one in which you were a flower-pot? |
| Duncan: | Twenty-four carat gold encrusted Plantagenet earthenware vessel deluxe furnished with rare minerals for displaying the anemones of Richard the Third, the Plant-agenet king. |
| Second mate: | It was a flower-pot. |
| Duncan: | It was a flower-pot. But in this play, I’m one of the crew of the Titanic. I’m playing a look-out. |
| Second mate: | Well you can’t be a very good look-out. |
| Duncan: | Why’s that? |
| Second mate: | You didn’t see the blooming ice-berg. |
| First mate: | And you wear glasses. |
| Duncan: | Very funny. Can I just point out some-thing? |
| Second mate: | Be my guest. |
| Duncan: | One. It was night-time. Two. There was no moonlight. Three. The water was calm and glassy, much the same as the ice-berg. Four. Though there were no binoculars in the crow’s nest, that was not my fault. Five. I wasn’t on duty when the iceberg was sighted. Six. Try looking out for icebergs when you’re getting some needed shut-eye below deck. Seven. The look-out who was on duty, Fred Fleet, saw the iceberg and immediately informed the officers. Eight. At the Inquiry into the Titanic’s sinking, my character Archie Jewell was not found guilty of being a bad look-out. Nine. Fred Fleet also was not found guilty. Ten. Archie Jewell didn’t wear glasses. Eleven. Jewell only survived because he was ordered to man a lifeboat. Twelve. The only reason why I personally wasn’t paying attention to the water on the night of the 14th of April 1912 is because I hadn’t yet been born. |
| First mate: | What’s he on about? |
| Second mate: | No idea. Let’s leave him to his monologue, or we’ll be late for History. |
| Duncan: | Do that and you’ll be history. Mr Ismay [the History teacher] seems even frostier than the ice-berg. No wonder his first name begins with D for “dismay”. |
| First mate: | Well said, lad, well said. |
| Second mate: | For once. |